“You better hope you and Mike never have children”. That is something that was said to me about two months before I got pregnant with Charlie. Those are words that someone who is hoping to get pregnant never should hear right before getting pregnant.
That was a phrase similar to a lot of lies that I have heard through out my life. Words that deeply affected how I felt about myself for a long time. It was in October of 2012, that I was so insecure that I finally realized that I had identity issues. It was then that I felt that God lead me to seek out my identity in Him, instead of the lies I was living under for so long… lies that I was not good enough… lies that I wasn’t pretty enough… lies that I would never be anything…
Wearing make up was something that was pressed into me for awhile… that I needed make up to be complete and beautiful. So I felt God lead me to go on a make up fast. The make up fast was supposed to last for 2 months… beginning November 1st (Yup! No make up for the holidays!). The day the fast began started off really bad. The first conversation I had that day began like this:
“You’re not wearing make-up today.”
“No, I am not. I am doing a make up fast.”
“Who made you do that?”
“No one, I just don’t think I need make up to be beautiful.”
“Huh, who told you that?”
And that is how my make up fast began (for those wondering, my husband was not the one to say this.). I cried on my way to work… those words hurt deeply coming from someone close to me. But about halfway to work the tears changed… they changed from being deeply hurt to tears of joy because for the first time I knew that I knew that I knew that God loved me. I already knew in my head that God loved me, but I did not know it in my heart. Let me share with you what God laid on my heart that made me feel this way, because I believe that it was not just for me but for you today as well.
“You are awesome,
You are beautiful,
You are loved”
After God laid this on my heart, I cried tears of relief. Relief that His love was for me and that His love was real. He sent His only Son, that for those who believed in Him will have eternal life. That is love in His purest form.
During my make up fast I did a few things that really put my identity in perspective:
- I spent a lot of time reading scripture, learning more about the God who willingly sent His son for me. I can not tell you how it happened, or exactly when during the two and a half months things changed, but somehow slowly I began to see myself as His and my confidence in who He made me to be grew. After the fast, when I put onmake up for the first time it felt different. Before make up made me feel “complete” in a way… but now the make up feels like… make up.
- I asked God to show me what He thought of me. He showed me the picture to the right. It was taken on my wedding day.
- Towards the end of my fast, I wanted to get something that was an every day reminder of my worth in Christ. I considered a few things, but ended up buying a crown ring. This is something that I still wear to this day, and is a reminder that God loved me enough to send His only son, Jesus, to die in my place.
If you are struggling with your identity, I want to encourage you do a few things if you feel lead to. The first is to read the book of Ephesians. Paul wrote this to the church of Ephesus to encourage them to think of themselves as people in Christ, people with a new identity. The second is to ask God how He sees you… don’t be afraid, He is a gentle God. Lastly, is to consider having something that is an everyday reminder that of His never ending affection for you.
Beautiful one, you don’t have to live in the insecurities and hurt anymore. He has so much more for you. You are special, because He created you and because He sent His son Jesus to die in your place! Do you believe that?
You. Are. Loved.