It happened again a few weeks ago, actually it has happened since then but we will focus on what happened a few weeks ago. I asked someone if they were able to do something for me and they said they couldn’t. No explanation, just that they couldn’t do it. This wasn’t a normal response from her so immediately my mind went into a frenzy of questions like what did I do wrong? Is she mad at me? Then trying to figure out what I did wrong. This bothered me for a while until I found out why she couldn’t help me, and the reason had nothing to do with me!
“I never even thought I should find my true identity in Christ”
This is a bit of a normal occurrence for me as I am fairly insecure and unsure of myself. I have gotten better about controlling my insecurities over the years, but they still pop up. There were years that I would be up recalling different conversations in my head, and thinking I was stupid for saying this or saying that. And my lowest insecurity moment, sitting in the corner of our bedroom shortly after Mike and I got married and my biggest insecurity and fear was thrown in my face. I heard this sneering in my ear. Everyone’s lives would be better without you in it. I knew it was a lie the second I heard it. I wasn’t suicidal but the insecurities, the fears, and the lies were suffocating. I couldn’t live like that anymore. That is when I started reading my Bible more, because I learned that the only place I would find freedom from my insecurities was to find Godly confidence in the One who created me. I remember the moment when that realization hit me. I was sitting with a friend discussing what we had read that week in our Bible plan and it was like a light went off in my head. I was trying so hard to not be the person I was scared to grow up to be, that I never even thought I should find my true identity in Christ and grow into the person that God created me to be.
I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.
Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.
I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.
John 15: 1-9
“I learned that the only place I would find freedom from my insecurities was to find Godly confidence in the One who created me.”
I get this image of God as the gardener tending to this beautiful garden. It is the most perfect garden. It is wonderfully made and crafted as He takes the time to get rid of the dead leaves and make the garden flourish. Just like He takes time to knit us in our mother’s womb, He takes the time to care for us and help us grow. The garden cannot grow without the gardener, and we cannot truly be made beautiful without the deep roots and the perfect gardener. What a beautiful thought. When you are rooted in Christ, God does the gardening. When you are rooted in Christ, He makes you beautiful. It was when I started to really root myself in Christ and let God do the “pruning” that things began to change for me. I received a confidence in Christ that greatly outweighed my insecurities and fears. I felt Him lay on my heart that He loved me, and not because of anything that I have done, but because He created me and cares for me.
Do I still struggle with insecurity? Yes. I am thankful through this because it keeps me reliant on God to take care of those struggles and help me grow into who He created me to be. One thing that inspires me about Jesus is that He knew who He was. He was sure of himself. He never felt like He had to prove himself to anyone. He only lived out of the truth of who He was. He knew His purpose, and was bold in walking that purpose out. I pray that we can all live more like Jesus, knowing who we are, letting God lead the way, and living out our beautiful purpose as we remain rooted in Christ.