The Silent Battle

A year ago yesterday. When are you going to try for another baby? Another baby, when I was still remembering a baby that I never knew of before I knew that we would never get to meet on this side of heaven? There was no intended harm in this question, but this question posed by someone that didn’t know me ruffled the silent battle in my heart a bit. The innocent question came with a history and depth.

It had been 6 months since we lost a baby that I didn’t know I was carrying. The months following the loss carried many visits to the blood drawing clinic so they could monitor my HCG levels that weren’t dropping as they should have. Each visit I prayed that the levels would be zero. Pray harder a nurse told me, and I did but visit after visit my HCG levels leveled off and stopped dropping. This was shadowed by the warning Be careful, as you shouldn’t try to get pregnant again until a month after your levels hit zero. It took 3 months for my levels to get to zero, 3 months of remembering why I had to get my blood drawn in the first place. When are you going to try for another baby?

So here I was about 3 months after my levels hit zero. I had taken a pregnancy test the week before because I hadn’t been feeling well, but it was negative. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. When are you going to try for another baby?

The innocent, well-meaning questions that bring some ache to your heart. I am sure that we have all innocently asked those questions (I know I have), and I am sure you have all gotten those questions as well. Maybe some have come recently. What are the questions and the circumstances that bring the tinge of ache to your heart?

The wilderness and the dry land will be glad; the desert will rejoice and blossom like a rose.
Isaiah 35:1

A year ago yesterday. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That evening my friend Annie and I bundled up our toddlers and let them play at the beach. After we sat in the beach café having dinner with the boys (Charlie was so tired he was throwing French fries everywhere…the things you remember), and during our conversation she asked me how I was doing with getting the negative pregnancy test. I shared with her about the question that had been asked to me earlier that day, and how I felt my heart was ruffled. She said to me that I still could be pregnant because I took the test really early, to which I said that it would be a great Easter gift if I was. Before we left to go home, we noticed the sunset was breathtaking, so we braved the cold and took a quick walk on the pier as the sun set.  I was so thankful that Annie agreed to fight the cold that evening, because in a way I felt like God had painted the sky just for me that night. After Charlie went to bed that night, I took another pregnancy test. A test that would confirm that God had indeed given us an Easter gift. New life, Olivia Rose. The incredible little girl who has reminded us from the very beginning that the dry land will be glad, and the desert will rejoice.

In the secret battles, He is there

This is my story of how God moved through our life. I can look back on the past 18 months and say He showed Himself very present in everything we walked through, no matter where we were. I could list time and time again how He loved us through the desert, and for that we rejoice. I don’t know your circumstances and I don’t know what God has for you. I do know this. We all have our silent battles, and I know He meets us right in the middle of them. I know His plan for you is good, even in what you are going through. Some of you may be new moms putting on the happy face of motherhood, even though you are dying inside. I am supposed to be overjoyed with being a new mom right? Cling to Jesus with all you have, you will make it through. Maybe you are in ministry and feel people put you on an unwanted pedestal, and you think don’t they know what my life actually looks like? Focus on Jesus, it is all about Him. Your marriage may be a mess, and you are wrestling with if it is worth it to honor your commitment that you made in front of God when it hurts so badly. You may be wondering if life is even worth living. Oh precious child, He loves you so much. Seek the One who loves your soul.

Beautiful one, in the secret battles, He is there. He knows the depth of the pain, and the desire to be free from it. It was when the Israelites were in exile when Jeremiah shared this word from God:

Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.
Jeremiah 29: 5-7

Jesus died on a cross, but He rose again in victory over death. Allow Him into those silent battles that no one knows you are facing, seek Him right where you are so He can be your victory.


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