It is about to get real friends, like over 1100 words real.
Because I am worth the truth, I can trust. That is what God wrote on my mirror, and those are words that cut to the depths of my soul, and sounded great. These are words I could believe, and wanted to believe. Little did I know the journey that God would be leading me on after He spoke those words to me at the beginning of June, and has heavily continued to lead me this week. This is a journey that has become increasingly uncomfortable, and a journey that is just as uncomfortable to share.
Any old Hill’s fans out there? Confession: I was a fan, probably because I lived in California for a bit. If you used to watch you may remember Lauren’s famous line to Heidi “I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you.” and I bet many of us have been there, where we want to forget things. Sometimes it is easy to leave the past behind, but then there are those times when you forget to remember to forget. You know the times I am talking about, when we unintentionally sweep things under the rug and forget they are there? That is you forget until you start tripping over them. Oh, and how about the times when we listen to God, we follow where He leads, and we end up hurt? And the hurt lingers for years (many many years!), and you wonder if “loving your neighbor as yourself” is even worth it. Why should I follow God and love others well, if showing love causes so much pain, some sleepless nights, deep insecurities, and fears of more disappointment and hurt? Why? I know I can not be the only one that has ever experienced this.
Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.
Psalm 126: 5-6
You have to forgive yourself. I said it to someone I barely knew while we were standing in the middle of a restaurant a few weeks ago. I had a sense so strongly that she needed to hear those words. Little did she know that I thought I needed to hear those words as much as she did.
The hardest person to forgive is yourself because forgiving yourself implies that you don’t trust yourself. Can you relate to this complex feeling? Truth be told, this has been an inner struggle for a while now. However, let me share with you something I have been learning about trust with you.
Ecclesiastes 3:11. This scripture was sent to me by a dear friend a couple of weeks ago. It was the first time this verse would begin popping up over the next week. What are you trying to say God?
Then a couple of days later someone that I don’t know well sends me a message that she was praying for me, and included this encouragement.
“As I am praying for you I see a field of flowers surrounded by high grass. You are the field of flowers and the high grass is shielding you. My prayer is for you to allow God to mow His lawn!!! The grass is a wall you have allowed to grow around you as a shield. While God IS shielding you, He is also waiting for you to allow Him to cut the grass…hence TRUSTING Him with the outcome.”
Okay God, I think you may be wanting to deal with these fears.
The final confirmation was when I picked up my book that night, “What Women Fear”, By Angie Smith, and the chapter that I read was all about the fear of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. I despise those feelings, yet can feel them way to often because of fear. The chapter was like a window into my captured soul.
Alright, God you have my attention, I guess we are dealing with this.
For so long I have thought that this journey was going to be about forgiving myself, but as I was asking God how to even begin, He began to open my eyes to something. Maybe it wasn’t about forgiving myself, but more so trusting Him even where there was hurt.
He faced rejection, so we can face accepted
And that is what He has been pressing on my heart strongly. The need to trust Him. I do trust Him, but if I am honest, sometimes I trust Him “for the most part”. I know that He has always been with me, has shielded me, and fought battles that I didn’t even know were going on. He also has held every tear I have cried, and sometimes probably wept with me. He has always been the One that is with me no matter where He leads me, even the places that may hurt a bit (or a lot). If he has always been there, I can surely trust Him even in the places that hurt the most. Truly He faced the ultimate rejection so that we can beautifully accepted in His love.
I have also seen even this week that as I trust Him, that He redeems it all. Every little detail, to the biggest hurt, and even the things I have forgotten to remember to forget.
But He doesn’t redeem what isn’t laid down, and this week He has made it clear that I need to begin laying it all down at His feet, and maybe you do too.
Beautiful one, you are not alone. Let’s embark on this trusting journey together. I believe that as we continually lay down our fears, we will become less overwhelmed the fears of more hurt, and gain more trust in the One who will overwhelm our hearts with love.
Where do we begin? By laying it all at the foot of the cross. Take time to sit down and write it all out. All of it. Everything that you forgot to remember to forget. It may take time, and there may be tears, but what is planted in tears will harvest shouts of joy! That is a beautiful truth.
Then, take what was written and trash it, cut it up into a million pieces, burn it if you have to so it doesn’t exist (refiner’s fire right there!)
Now take a fresh sheet of paper, maybe in your journal if you have one, and take some time and listen to His voice. Ask Him what He wants to say to you, and let the One who you can trust write to you about wanting to free you from the slavery of fears, so you can put your faith and trust in Him.
This may be uncomfortable, but don’t be afraid. Be expectant. He is gentle and your heart is in safe hands with Him.