About two months after having Charlie I started having nightmares about terrorist attacks on US ground. I would wake up scared when I had them and prayed against them and would try to go back to sleep. They would happen every week or so for awhile. I began to wonder if maybe they had a deeper meaning maybe early December.
The dreams went away around Christmas time, but after Christmas they came back and were gradually hitting closer to home. The dreams used to be me seeing missiles flying in the distance, but that week a nuclear bomb went off at the building across from my job, and all I could think about was going to keep Charlie safe. And then shortly I had at least 2 nightmares. One of me getting shot a few times, and then one of me trying to protect Charlie when the bad guys were trying to kill him in my arms and me doing everything I can to save him. It all hit me the next morning, why I was having these dreams.
Did you read what I wrote? “Everything I can do to save him.”
And then I heard God whisper “do you trust me with your son?” My answer was not yes. Whoa…for a God I follow, and love, and have faith in….my answer was not yes. It was like a dagger to the heart. And my mind quickly went to scripture, “I can do all things in Christ that gives me strength”. It does not say “I can do all things through myself who gives me strength”. It does not say “rest in yourself”. It does not say “I (myself) work together for the good of myself”. It doesn’t make sense right? It just doesn’t add up. If I don’t trust God with my son, what I am saying is, I trust myself…a sinful human being with my son. I am not trusting God who has always been perfect, loving, gentle, kind, good to me with the little boy that He chose to allow me to mother! I am not sure where the trust got lost, and it is not a break in trust that was in other parts of my life, but I wanted to rest in the shadow of the Almighty on this, and tell Him “I trust you with my son…Your child.” until I did. Over the following weeks and months I began reading the Psalms and the dreams eventually went away.I chose the Psalms specifically because they are packed with solid heartfelt scripture mostly written by David who is described as a man after God’s own heart and I desire to be a woman after God’s heart. I wanted to be so sure of Him and who He is that I can answer that questions “yes, I trust you”.
One verse that stuck with me was Psalm 4:8 ” I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” It is a verse that I have returned to often as it is peace for my troubled soul that the Lord is my safe place, a place for refuge.
Two weeks ago as I lay in bed with tears saturating my face I felt the same whisper as I did 9 months ago. “Do you trust me?”, and in my sorrow I said yes.
If we are honest, there is something in all of our lives that we can say “God, I don’t trust you on this.” What is it? What are you trusting yourself with? God speaks to the listening heart, and He grants the desires of the heart that seeks Him. Listen to Him, seek Him, rest in the shadow of His wings…and say “yes, I trust you” to the one who never fails.