Grace came at a cost, but I wasn't treating it like that. I treated His good grace like it was “plan b” for my life. A door prize that you threw away right when you got home. I am so thankful that I don't live in Old Testament days, because I am pretty sure that I would be in exile. Instead He meets me with breakfast on a beach.
What lead a grown man to sob uncontrollably in my arms, while saying over and over I want my mommy, I want my mommy? Forgiveness. I met him in Rwanda and walked him through forgiving his mother for leaving him and his siblings in the genocide for her own safety. Years he had held on to the pain, but he was in a place where he wanted to forgive her, and try to reconcile with her as well. Before we get there though...there is something else we need to address.
Which is harder, to say "your sins are forgiven?" or "get up and walk?" Can I take a moment and answer that? The forgiveness of sins part has definitely got to be harder. Like by a long shot. And I say this because I will tell people all day to have faith that to do what Jesus says, but for me forgiveness is not as easy as telling people to "just have faith" that what He says is true. Following Christ isn't easy my friends. And this is one of those acts of obedience that I can easily forget about, until I am confronted by the truth. And that is what happened Saturday morning, when someone called me out on it. The truth felt like a truck hit me. I was holding onto hurt from 20 years ago. 2 decades is a long time to hold unforgiveness, and carry it in your heart. But that is what happened, for more than half my life.
My daughter is fearless. She is 2 and a 1/2 this year and has been loving being in pools this summer. She has loved it so much that she has taken a love to jumping into the pool (sometimes off the diving board...yes all with a puddle jumper). She will jump when we are there right next to her, and she will jump when we are not, almost like she doesn't know the danger of the water. And this can leave me thinking "Can't you have a little fear? Just a little? Just enough to know that there are dangers in the world, like that this water can hurt you...kill you?"
If you ever want to feel like a fraud, write a blog. Seriously. More times than not, I feel inadequate in the things that I share because so many times I feel my faith and trust in Jesus isn't strong enough to put out there for the world wide web to read. And if you want to feel like a bigger fraud, change your blog's domain name to your own name. But that is what I did. I have been thinking about it for about 6-8 months now, but felt it was prideful. However once I started having major problems with my site, I decided to switch blog platforms again, which would mean designing a whole new site, and with that I decided to change the name of my blog again to a name that will never change. But there is another name that is unchanging...
We were criticized again for that decision, “well it doesn’t seem that great now either”. And sometimes God’s best doesn’t look that great, because we live in a culture that is focused on numbers, instant gratification, and wanting what is easy, and on top of that the American dream is about the pursuit of happiness, and not obedience to Christ. And in a way that was what we were faced with. Do what would secure his job? Or trust that He had a plan, and that this was really His best for us, as we had at first believed?
Last week, I wrote about our fun boating trip from the week before. (Sarcasm added) Since that day Charlie has been scared to go on the boat. Honestly, he has been hesitant to do a lot. Going to school the day after the storm was hard. And it didn't help that our freak afternoon happened days before he was about to make a huge transition in his life. Pre-school to camp... you know my child who carries the same fears I do. Can the timing of this have been any worse? We took him on the boat again last Sunday, and it was a wonderful day. On the way home, I said to him, See, you don't need to be afraid. And that is when he said it, But what if another storm comes? That question was like a dagger to my heart because that is how I have been living my last week.
"All jokes aside, I thought I was going to die today." Spoiler alert: I didn't say that. But someone we met minutes after the storm ended did. Sometimes you wonder if what you went through was really as bad as it seemed at the time, and that comment confirmed that, yes, the storm we had just went through was as bad as it seemed. And when your friend texts you later and says "your dad just told my dad you're all lucky to be alive"... yeah...
I sat in the office with only half the amount of paperwork that I was supposed to have with me. My printer had run out of ink that morning, I forgot an important document, and I brought my passport because I lost my driver’s license. Awww, it’s hard isn’t it? That is what the lady … Continue reading 4 Things To Do When You Know You Are Not Enough
My husband and I are very prayerful when making decisions, especially when it comes to our children, so praying for the schools our children go to is no exception. When looking for a school for Charlie, we reached out to 10 schools in our town, and not one of them got back to us. I am telling you, not even a "we are full, want to be put on a waiting list?". I didn't think finding a place for my 3 year old to attend school would be so hard. But He did open up one door for him, and it was a place that we have loved from the beginning. And today the truth that is radiating my soul is that He is faithful.