When Passion Invades Your Heart

What are you willing to risk to follow Me?

I was driving home from work, and it was raining pretty hard. I had an emotionally hard day as I found out an old friend had passed away. She left behind a 3-year old son. She wasn’t a believer. The news hit me like a ton of bricks pounding on my heart, and the drive was sobering, as I rolled my window down and let the heavy rain just fall on my arm that I allowed to hang out the window.

What are you willing to risk to follow Me? Wow, God.  This is an interesting time to ask me this question. Yet, I felt like the enemy had taken too much, and so I responded by saying Everything.

The future is as clear as it is uncertain.

Risking everything can be scary. When you take a leap of faith whether it be a new relationship or friendship, a new opportunity, or even in trusting His plan for your life, there is risk involved. It can feel like jumping off a cliff and not knowing if you are going to fall into a deep abyss or the arms of Jesus.

It is almost January 15th and life is going to be changing quite dramatically for us this coming week. The future is as clear as it is uncertain, but the path is uncertain as it is clear.

Of course it happened on a plane and as I was traveling to the same destination where my panic attack happened. God is so creative like that, redeeming everything. But before I get to that…

For a few months, my deepest passions had been clashing with my reality. Now I like my job. But when your passion invades your heart, there is no place for likes. Going after my passions was impossible, but my heart was so unsettled. I prayed that God would place my heart in the right place again, because I didn’t feel like I was in a healthy place.

I expected peace, but all I got was the unsettledness increasing. It only got worse the night before I was supposed to leave for a business trip. And my husband asked me the question. Do you think you will be at your job in a year? Now again, I like my job, but the thought of being there another year terrified me. I didn’t know how I could handle my passions and reality clashing for that long. I responded by saying that I didn’t know if  I would be there in a few months.

He all but gave me permission that night to follow my passions. But see, leaving my job was impossible. Flat out impossible. Could. Not. Happen.

Yet, little did I know that when I walked on the plane the next day, my whole world was about to change.

I was reading Let’s All Be Brave by Annie Downs, it was a book I was supposed to read in Puerto Rico… but well, we were doing other things. I am not sure what I expected when reading this book, but I didn’t expect what happened next.

“You just have to start, my friend. That thing that is whispering on your insides? That conversation you need to have or that place you need to go? That job you want to try or that ministry you want to attempt? That major you want to pick at college or that mission trip you want to go on? You’ve got to start somewhere. So do. Tell somebody you want to be brave.”

I couldn’t read any further in that moment. I looked out the window of the plane and was thinking of all I could see up from the plane, and how sometimes in the moment we can only see what is directly in front of us. But from thousands feet up in the air, you could see a lot. I felt Him whisper If you could see what I could see, you would step out in faith.

I turned to my office manager, who was sitting next to me, and said I am not 100% sure but I think I am going to be transitioning out of MedSend. I think I will be full-time until January and then part time for a few months, and then that is it. I didn’t know a plan was in my head, it just came out.

And after praying about it over the next 24 hours, and hearing a message about having faith to go where God leads, I made the decision. I was stepping out in faith. And the second I made the decision, the struggle in my heart was gone. Freedom. Pure freedom.

I felt like a crazy person. I mean, who does this, right? And, I thought everyone else was crazy too for being excited for me as I began to share of my plans and transition.

Beautiful one, I wish I could say that things have been easy. I wish I could say that I have modeled this amazing faith clung and never questioned if  I was making the right decision. But I can’t. I can only claim that God is good. The truth, I have questioned a lot. Did I really hear God right? Is my timeline right? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?

Then there were the harder emotions. Guilt. Fear. Doubt. And the lies from the enemy telling me to run back to safety because my God is not faithful. I have sometimes felt like I been on my face in tears and fears.

But let me say something bold right here, and I am going to say it because it was said to me in the middle of a Mexican restaurant in Louiville, KY. If you run back to safety of the false notion of what makes sense, you are being disobedient. Let. That. Sink. In.

What was I willing to risk to follow Him? I said Everything. He knew I meant it. What was I willing to risk to KNOW that He was God? My idea of what made sense? Faith makes “sense” laughable. The thought that my situation was impossible? He is the God of the impossible, He walked on water. Fear of sinking? He tells us to keep our eyes on Him, as we walk on the waves. 

Sometimes I feel like I have more questions, than I do answers. But one thing has been evident, He has been clear that He is taking care even the smallest of details to let us know that He is God.

I know I write about Thomas a lot, but I want to go back to Him. It was a week after the other disciples told him that Jesus was alive before he saw Him with his own eyes. He flat out tells his friends that he won’t believe Jesus is alive unless he touches His scars.

I kind of wonder why Thomas didn’t believe the other disciples. Was it because he was scared that it wasn’t true? That it was some mean trick that his friends were playing on him? Or was it because that if Jesus was indeed alive that would prove the power of His word and the immensity of His love? A love that you are willing to risk everything for.

Can I tell you a secret? It never notes in scripture that Thomas actually touched the scars. Yet, He saw Jesus and said My Lord, My God. But like I was on my face in tears, I bet that Thomas was on his face in awe oh Jesus. I want to be awe of Jesus, so the only words that I can say are My Lord, My God.

I want that. And you get that when you take the risk, and step out knowing that He is faithful.

Do you believe that Jesus is, who He says He is? Do you believe that He died for your sins, and rose again so that you could have eternal life?

Then what are you willing to risk to follow Him? Where is He asking you to step out in faith and obedience? Consider that. Really consider that. Because, He is worth it.